birth of a new blog

Okay, so I have finished housekeeping for the younger sister of the little sister of the first blog created a couple years ago. Y'all are invited to visit "spontaneously disregulated". Here is the address:
http://spontaneouslydisregulated.blogspot.com/

Forgive me for the naked picture of the oppressive North Korean Dictator, it's temporary.

Hope to see you at my new place!

S.E.

alert...alert...alert...alert!!!!

okay so....here's the deal. Once again I'm finding I have to find a new home. It's not out of choice this time actually. I'm not trying to erase my past. I have to/want to stop using my university email account because even though I'm technically still an employee, I haven't done any work for them for a year and I'm kinda tired of checking two different email accounts. So....you'd think I could just switch this blog to my other email account but it is proving to be quite difficult. Apparently when I signed up with my google aps stuff, it nabbed that email address and I cannot merge the two now. I cannot merge me with ME. SO...as I've done before, I'm moving to a new home. A new blog. A fresh start! I love fresh starts actually especially when they are thrust upon me as this is.

I haven't yet created the new blog, but I'm about to. This time I'll do it right with getting all the proper connections to my blogger community. Because, despite what I may have said recently, I have to admit, I do keep you in mind when I'm throwing a post out there. Shane, Ron, Trav and sometimes Lisa.

Okay then. Out for now. I'll write again when I have my new address. I dare say I'm nearly giddy!


Okay...now for the naming. I'm not sure what if available but here are some ideas that I'm pulling out of my head right now....

useless musings
insane ramblings of a wacko housewife
Hippy chick wannabe
disenchanted (I'm sure that was in already used...look at all the disenchanted people out there)

I'd sort of like it to have a somewhat upbeat and postive spin because that matches my present mood today (and as of late)

Hmm....

This is going to take some thought. I'm open to suggestions! I'll think about it as I go buy my mums a gift and return one given to me. Sure it's a Hallmark holiday, but who cares?! I got breakfast in bed this morning. I'm not going to look the proverbial gifted horse up his proverbial mouth, or anywhere else on his proverbial body.

S.

What a lovely rug! What's the fabric? Thank you, it's Golden Retriever.

I'd go get ice cream and watch Spongebob, but my executive functioning skills are diming and it's hard to actually plan and sequence what I need to do to get there. Besides, the kids left with their papa to go to piano lessons and I'd have no one to blame for turning on Spongebob but myself.

Okay. Pull ....self...together... mUST!

My dog is shedding large clumps of soft fur which carpet our house like a ubiquitous velour throw rug. I find clumps of it in corners, under beds, in our food, and weaved among the carpet fibers. It disgusts me. Even though when it's on his body I love to bury my head in his neck and smell the earth stuck in his fur. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my dog. Well. I do. It's insane how much I love my dog. I decided to pull out the big guns and defurminate the pooch. Special shampoos and a cleansing rinse (scientifically designed to loosen the hair follicle), a knubby bath scruber, a sham, the works. I even got a specialized de-furminator brush. I spend the whole evening on this task. At one point in my frenzy I launched a glob of defurminator into my left eyeball which means, I suppose, that I can cross growing hair on my eyeball off of my list of things to worry about. As for Toby... well, he IS clean. But as far as the fur goes, I think stopping this process, or encouraging it to follow my agenda is like asking my children to pee straight into the toilet without the oversplash onto the seat, walls, floor, mirror, window, hallway, adjoining bedroom, etc (depending on how long they've been holding it before making the frantic sprint to the toilet and their dance of contorted gyrations while pulling out their little pee sticks). Fur. Pee. It's all part of my life now.

I can tell the Zyrtec I took a while back is starting to kick in. My throat feels less tense and constricted. I think I heard a sigh deep down in my sinuses as something or someone just opened a canal. God how I hate and love drugs. I'd feel better if I was sucking on a mushroom, or licking an herb, or smearing insect guts on my nose....but I am too far removed from naturalistic medicine to even know what that would look like.

I think I may even go put laundry away and start dinner. After that, I'll scoop up a clump of dog hair and wipe off the toilet seat.

hold me mommy!

I have a limited amount of physical and mental energy this week. My head is truly gone. My body is only half here. Ask Ron how many times I lost my car and office keys at lunch today, only everytime I tried to find them. Clarity, attention and energy are fluxing. My head is messed up probably because I tried unsuccessfully to wean myself off of Zoloft. Perhaps I don't need it, perhaps I do. Perhaps the darkness I'm experiencing is drug withdrawal, perhaps it is disease now untreated. But at the moment I feel only half alive in all respects and that is a worrisome condition. My body is also reacting to a bug. A microscopic enemy. A not so gentle reminder that we Goliaths are a quivering gelatinous mass when faced with this David

I'll admit. I'm a little scared. I keep having fantasies of dying here on the couch. What will they say at my funeral? Do you remember as a kid, having fantasies about this or was that just me?

Okay. Focus. I think I am being hysterical. I think I'm going to go get some ice cream and watch Spongebob with the kids.

arrgggghhhh!

When I read stuff like this (see below), it makes me want to tear my fucking eyeballs out of my head. Don't ask how I landed on this, seeking for answers to a quandary caused by a combination of events of late in my extended family & social circles and an argument I had with hubby last night which led us nowhere as these arguments always do. Nowhere except for the land of sour milk and desiccated honey.

http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1997.htm/ensign%20january%201997.htm/becoming%20whole%20again.htm

Anyone out there care to share in my outrage or are you smarter than me?

more bullshitin'

I've decided that approximately 28% of everything I say is probably pure bullshit. Maybe even 36%. Let's say between 28-36% of everything I say is bullshit. This goes for blogging too. Truth as I'm beginning to see it is that I do care about what I post out there and I do care about who might read it. Maybe I didn't initially in my early spontaneous expressions stage, but I've grown into this and I'm only now realizing it. It's probably behind my scarity of posts over the past year. I think it has to do with my actually developing relationships within my blogosphere and I no longer hide behind the relative comfort of anonymity. But I'd rather have the relationships than the freedom of stranger status. I think it helps me to take pause before I throw something out there, and in this pause I can question my thoughts and my motives and the sequencing of my ideas. I hope it will help me cut out the unnecessary, confabulatory, tangential verbosity that has been my m.o. What I hope will come of this, are thoughts that are a little more developed. I'll still have typos and sentence fragments I'm sure, but I believe they will be grammatical errors within a more delibrate thought train. Although I reserve the right to throw out half baked nonsense when the mood strikes me.

Half baked streams of consciousness like this...

I am developing a nasty case of pink eye. Odd because I've pulled out the "can't go, gotta cancel 'cause I have pink eye" excuse a few times and now I actually HAVE it! I don't think I've ever had pink eye until now. It's not fun. No wonder people happily allow me out of obligations.

or this...

Today I was working with a young man with high functioning autism. I seriously love this kid. He is funny and creative and full of energy and life. He told me today that he actually IS a superhero. "Oh yeah?" I asked, "what is your special power?" He replied that he is a superhero because he is "superheroish." Then he demonstrated his superheroness until I made him sit down and do some breathing exercises.

or this...

I find that when I pull out my laminator, kids who are demonstrating their superhero powers calm down really quick. 'Cause hey... who doesn't like to laminate?

Yeah. That's good fun. Meaningless and trivial information that no one really cares about but it feels so oddly satisfying to throw it out there anyway. Not well thought out...not even thought out at all. When you read it, I'm reading it for the first time too.

But then again I do have a post that I've been working on for the past week. It's all still in my head and I pull it out when I'm stuck at a traffic light. It has to do with the concepts of pleasure and restraint. But I need more traffic lights before I'm ready to talk about this yet.

Pink eye making it so I can't see the computer screen well, which is my signal to turn this off and get some shut eye. Let's hope I can open them in the morning with all the goopy adhesions that will develop as I'm sleeping tonight. The part of me that loves to peel my sunburn and pop my zits will love pulling the caked mucous out of my eye tomorrow. Admit it, I'm not alone in these fetishes am I?!

It's been so long since...

I've done any blogging that I forgot my password!

But today I was struck by the urge to blog. I’m not sure where this comes from, or where it goes when my blogging activity is silent but I try not to question these things too much. I blog just for me. It helps me process my thoughts, but the side effect is often a blatant self centeredness which makes it hard for me to ever read what I have written. Maybe I am like the two year old with a fist full of finger paint, the actual end product is only incidental to the fun of smearing the creamy, cool paint over a clean white canvas. I love the feel of the words as they take shape on the page as much as I loved the feel of the aromatic slime squishing between my fingers. The pictures I create in my posts are probably very comparable to the finger painted masterpieces I made in preschool. But I feel neither inhibited nor advantaged by personal skill level because from my perspective, none of this matters. I do not long for awards. I don’t consider myself a formal or polished “writer”. I have no aspirations of landing a regular column in the New Yorker. I don’t care if I end with a preposition. I don’t care if my page is littered with sentence fragments. I don’t even care if I have an audience. May I reiterate? I blog for me. It is an entirely selfish endeavor. But if this were true, why blog at all? Why not just keep a journal? Why open up the possibility for an audience? Because when I have a journal, I always destroy what I’ve written. I come to hate it that much. I have had journals before, pages and pages of them and with one spontaneous strike of the key, it is all gone. Before the computer, I’ve been known to burn part or all of a journal. I don’t yet understand why I do this. It’s a little like unexpectedly hearing a recording of my own voice, or accidentally walking in front of a mirror in a department store before recognizing my own reflection. Those first few moments before my brain can process its own shell exposes my naked and objective truth. Truth told by how I hold myself, my posture, facial features and expressions. Do I see a happy and confident woman, the woman I aspire to be? It’s a brief glimpse of me from a stranger’s eyes. I have to admit, my usual response is tinged with repulsion. When I later read what I’ve written, I get a similar reaction. What exactly is behind this is still outside of my full understanding. Maybe it’s my attempt to deny, erase or rewrite history. Maybe it’s the blatant self centeredness that I’m trying to destroy, both the tangible and intangible forms. Maybe it represents something inside of me that I do not accept. It's not usually the form that I abhore, but the message. However, when I blog, it nearly always stays put because in theory once it’s “out there” it becomes shared information. I let it stay because I feel obligated to allow it and maybe eventually to face it. It's the mere suggestion of "the other" in this whole process that changes the rules. I don't write for "the other" and in fact I try to ignore the other as much as possible (probably breaking some cardinal rules of Writing 101). But without you, whatever I write is as good as gone.

A few teasers

I told a dear friend the other day about my attempts to dialogue with the fictional George....and how carefully I was trying to convey openness and respect. Then I had to laugh because the only ones who would probably read my post, and the rest of my blog are all atheists who, with the exception of CI, think religion is purely evil! Ah. Well. Time for a new topic I think.

My new topic is still forming but it has to do with the devil in my living room, and in my food and in my car and in my clothes. I'll post on this more later.

I also want to post on my reoccuring dream...which I had again last night. I've been having variations of this dream for the past 15 years!!!! It's different every time but the basic plot is the same.

But as for right now, I'm going to get ready for this week. Kids back in school and the madness starts up again (piano, scouts, volunteering, karate, etc etc etc) and I've got several new clients starting up this week. Time to roll up my sleeves.

I'll be back!

yes....it's that time of year again!

Still 2 am, and I still shouldn't be blogging. But before I finally go to sleep, I feel compelled to start my news years resolutions list....

1-Read more Dr. Oz (and keep reading until I understand it enough to change my lifestyle...yes I DO think Dr. Oz is a prophet)
2-Wear more lipstick
3-Keep a tight fence around work, and not let it bleed into my leisure time.
4-Play more.
5-Meditate more
6-Observe my thoughts more closely, (especially my thought trains)
7-Find new and interesting music (I'm bored with my playlists)
8-Learn basic drawing
9-Have more meaningful conversations....especially with my children
10-Floss regularly

Part three

I'm afraid George, this is where we will probably part ways. This is where every conversation like this goes downhill...fast. This is where we stop listening to each other (assuming we ever did) and all we can hear is the white noise in our own heads. I don't know where to begin, and I think I am afraid to try.

How about we not go there.

That is what we always decide. Instead of going there, we stay on the surface where it is nice and safe. We don't dig through the shit and the muck because then we'll get dirty. Instead we play nice, smile and pass the salt.

It's 2 am. I shouldn't be blogging. But it's bothered me that I've left this dialogue just hanging. Why can't I ever finish it...even with a fictional person??

How about we say,.....it doesn't matter what and how our beliefs differ. But please don't try to use logic to convince me of what you have come to believe is truth when what I see is a reliance on logical fallacies...such as....appeal to fear, appeal to emotion, and post hoc to name just a few. You can't try to use evidence to your advantage and then tell me evidence doesn't apply when it doesn't swing in your favor. Not everything that isn't faith promoting, is anti or threatening to your beliefs. There is so so so much out there that is fascinating, motivating, beautiful...and it is both tangible and unknowable.

Ugh. Forget it. Could you pass the salt please?

we interrupt this program....

I am in such a terrible funk right now. I believe I am suffering from lethargic monkey mind. So unmotivated to do anything productive but I keep giving it a half hearted effort anyway. My kids have turned into playstation zombies and its so quiet around the house I have a hard time mustering the energy to shake them from their spell. What do I need??? A can of Red Bull? Another chocolate? Heavens no. I need to rid my house of Christmas. I'm stuck in holiday mode. Throw out all left over sweets. Take the tree down. Untrim the mantel. Stash the stockings. Disrobe the shrubs. Christmas is OVER baby.

Yes. That's what I need.

Meanwhile...while I deChristmasfy our house, I'm thinking of part three.

Part Two

What is an argument? Let's say an argument is a stated claim which is supported by one or more underlying premises. What are premises? How about we say that a premise is a statement meant to interpret some reality, whether true, false, or a mixture of both. When these statements are strong enough or "true" enough to support the claim, we could say that this is a valid argument, maybe we could even call it a fact. But there are number of problems that can occur when making an argument. There could be factual errors, a misrepresentation of data, facts and details. Or there could be errors in reasoning, or how we manipulate and combine the supportive statements and the conclusions we draw from them. Errors in logical reasoning seem to be so easy to make but so hard to recognize.

But one could make the argument that when discussing things of a spiritual, religious, or metaphysical nature, logic need not be part of the equation. Faith is not limited by logical constraints. Faith is much larger than this. Faith is transcendent. Faith is all encompassing. Faith exists even in the heart of a disbeliever. Remember..there ain't no atheists in a foxhole. Therefore, faith claims do not have to play by the same rules as do the secular claims.

To this I would say...nice try George.

A claim is a claim is a claim....and logic belongs in the debate regardless of whether you are arguing for cold fusion, or Heavenly Mother. State your claim and support it with what lead you to this conclusion. If it is solid, it will withstand the harshest scrutiny.

But there are problems with differing opinions on what is considering factual statements when it comes to religious claims. Largely because what is considered truthful by the faithful is not measurable or observable. This is where that concept of faith sneaks back in and when religion lays down the trump card, the get out of jail free card...the "I don't need no stinkin' logic because I feel the burning bosom" card. But still, before the burning bosom, some idea was articulated either verbally or in written form to you and it made it's way into your cranium. This idea bounced around in there, the brain held it out, studied it, made associations with it and decided it was good which stimulated the emotional brain to send out the feel good stuff. Maybe it decided it was good because this message has been repeated over and over and over to you since you were born. Maybe it decided it was good because the person who delivered the idea was someone you love and trust and this benevolance was transferred to the idea. Maybe it decided it was good because you are bathed in a culture that thinks this idea is a good thing. Or maybe the idea makes sense to you and fulfills a need in you, maybe it helps you lead a better life. Maybe life would be better or easier for you if this idea was good. Or...maybe it is as you have suggested..the idea itself is good, true and real.

I'd like to ask you George to set aside the view of your religion as a set of principles dictated to man from God, and consider that religion is in essense a set of ideas. A set of ideas that you believe have come from God. You can still hold that belief. But I'm asking you to set aside the issue of origin for just a minute. I'm not asking you to deny your belief, I'm only asking you to narrow your focus slightly. Just isolate the ideas themselves, or the claims that are represented in this set of ideas. I find it's very difficult to have a discussion with a believer because a believer often tends to back their ideas with a divine authority by citing what a prophet has said or written, a prophet who got it straight from the big guy Himself. (you did this too George). Since I don't believe in divine authority I don't know what to do with this or where to begin. We aren't starting from the same place so of course we'll never end in the same place. Which, despite our claims that we aren't trying to convince each other, I think it would feel good to come to some kind of agreement. Even if it is only partial concession.

So..I'm proposing that we find some common ground from which to start. A place where we both find agreement. I'd like to say that religion is a well polished set of ideas. Ideas that are codified and cannonized. Ideas that are well organized and protected. I'll allow for the possibility that these ideas came to men through a form of inspiration from a divine being. I don't personally believe this, but because I can't disprove it, I'll concede that it is a possiblity. But if we're looking for common ground, it is necessary for us to set aside this question of origin and focus on the ideas themselves and how one comes to adopt these ideas. That is where I' d like to start.

Part One

Here the first part of my reply to the fictional George. I worry that because the original author isn't here, and thus cannot explain or defend himself, I may be caught in the straw man fallacy. But, I am morphing the current author with my former self and I will allow my righteous self to step in in George's defense where needed. Like I said, it wasn't that long ago that I could have been the author.



If I were to pull out all the claims made in this response and lay them all out side by side, it might look like this:

1-Sin is a valid concept. (ie...we will all eventually be held accountable to some higher authority for all our actions)

2-Jesus Christ (God) is alive and he has a church (which is the Mormon church)

3-Being selfish is a bad thing, not obeying authority is a bad thing, lust (which I'm going to interpret as desire)...is a bad thing.

4-The author of the Doctrine & Covenants (the premise of this would be a subject of disagreement...I believe it to be Joesph Smith and his lackeys....You would say it is Jesus Christ)....has the authority to define reality,...yours, mine, everyone's.

5-There are two ways of thinking....the believer's way and everyone else's. (or "our way" vs the "world's way").

6-The following practices will help me earn an eternal life (the imbeded claim here is that there is such a thing as eternal life), or at the very least, a life that is in line with the teachings of the Mormon church... prayer, following the rules (being obedient to authority), having faith,(which I define as believing in something despite the lack of tangible evidence) being humble (from my experience in the church this means to rely on and acquiese to a power greater than the self. Which seems like a beautiful concept at first, until you start thinking about how to define that power and who interprets it.)

7-Having a testimony...(which I'll define as having a belief in the teachings of the Mormon church) takes honesty.

8-Those who question the teachings of the Mormon church are probably reacting to some offense, and they should be more forgiving.

9-It is important to keep every commandment. (commandment or "the word of God" but the word of God as interpreted by whom? So ultimately who am I being obedient to?)

10-There is such a thing as priesthood, and powers of heaven and they are connected. These powers of heaven can be controlled by someone who is righteous.


So far, I'm trying to lay out what his claims are and begin to examine the underlying premises for these claims. Which I'll get into more later....

To my dear George....

Recently I was reading the newspaper (online) about the declining rates of Mormons in Utah. A welcome trend in my opinion, I would love a little more diversity around here. (and I think many active Mormons would agree with me). I usually try to avoid this, but I found myself reading the comment section at the bottom of the article. I think the Trib and Deseret News comments are usually thoughtless, offensive and polarized dribble. I don't usually waste my time on them. But today, I got pulled in by a catchy title and ended up reading this one. (author unknown).


"The path to overcome our selfishness, disobedience, lust and other sins is a continue source of opposition. As we slip into the ways of the world, we will surely lose our ways. When we gained a testimony, It seems to take a certain amount of honesty to see the truthfulness of the fullness of the gospel. However, staying active in the true church of Jesus Christ is another story. We must endure to the end. We must keep every commandment. Everyone will get offended, and we must forgive. God lives, I have a testimony of the eternal nature of the only true church of Jesus Christ on the earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If you have slipped and are questioning, ponder this scripture in Section 121 of the D&C: 34 Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? 35 Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson— 36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. Don't give up your path to eternal life. Prayer, obedience, humility, faith can be called upon to strengthen your testimony. "

A part of me reads this and I feel an odd sense of kinship with the author. Not because I agree with any of it, but because not that long ago, I could have been the author. I feel like I understand where the person is coming from, and the feelings that motivated this comment. I don't believe this commenter is a "mindless drone" like many reading it have asserted. But I do not agree with even one line of it. In fact I think the ideas presented in this comment are dangerous. I want to break it down and explain why I think these ideas are dangerous...line by line. Respectfully. It's not that I am really all that distracted by the Mormon debate anymore, I feel like I've moved on from that. I don't think I have the ability to change anyone's mind, and I no longer concern myself with trying. I feel comfortable with where I'm at, and where I'm going. I have found beauty and meaning in my life and it is not enhanced by "being right" and proving someone else "wrong". Yet, maybe for the same reasons that compelled the author of this comment, (lets call him "George" for convenience sake.)..to write this, I too feel compelled to counter it with my own opinion. I think George is wrong. I may be wrong too. But I believe engaging in dialogue, if we follow the rules of respectful debate....will help us, if not anything more, than to at least understand where the other is coming from, even if we can't ever agree. If George is able to convince me, using logic, feeling, examples,...I would be willing to move from my opinion. I want to maintain an open mind, and if I'm wrong, I want to be shown how I'm wrong. I would hope that George would be willing to do the same. My goal however, is not to convince George of anything, more than it is to explore and challenge (or have challenged) my own viewpoint. I think the worst thing for me is to maintain a rigid stance when there is so much out there that I haven't yet considered. I'm not jumping from one ideology to another, more than I am seeking to layer my perspectives and hopefully what I will end up with is a mixture of truth. Not "objective truth" as I am very suspect of anything claiming to be objective truth. But truth that resonates for me. My own truth. Or the truth that informs my behavior. Which really, when it all comes down to it, is the only thing that I have any control over.

So George...what do you think? Do you want to play? Are you in? It will have to wait until later because I have a house full of wrapping paper to contend with. That, plus I need some time to get my thoughts lined up.

Post Christmas Ruminations

All the Whos in my little Whoville are pleasantly entertained with their new gadgets and do dads. The roast beast was delicious. I'm now surrounded in wrapping paper that I was too tired to clean up this morning, and too apathetic to clean up now, a reminder that this time of year is an orgy in consumerism and I am a willing participant. Christmas is one of those things that I really doubt I'd get into much if I didn't have kids. I also wouldn't be driving as big as car, or driving a car at all. But, I push away the edge of nagging guilt that reminds me to set a good example to the next generation, especially if it calls for sacrifice. But, lets face it...challenging the status quo takes energy and planning, something that often runs in too short supply around here. My life is mostly about putting out what immediate fires are burning the hottest. Christmas is another fire that is now a meek burning ember for 2008. But my guilt doesn't ruin my pleasure of listening to my oldest belt out the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger" with his new Rock Band game. Does he know this came out back when "I" was cool? and young? (Okay....I was never cool). He's now singing an old Duran Duran song..."do do do do do do do do do do do...do do." .... "I'm on a hunt I'm after you." (...oh the memories! )....."and I'm hungry like a woooooooolf." Maybe it's okay, if once or twice a year I am allowed to spoil them a bit. As long as I keep it to once a year. Regardless, the guilt is still there, sitting quietly in the corner with a pinched and condescending expression. If I am to follow my own advice, I'd ask that guilt to sit down to hot cocoa with me and have a conversation. Who are you? Why are you haunting me? What do you want from me? Can you not allow me a little hedonistic pleasure now and then?

I am your conscience. Guilt would say. I keep you honest. I keep you from making the really big mistakes,....like going down the really dark path. I am here to remind you of your incorruptible ideals, your untainted inner life, the better you, the perfect you. I help you keep all four wheels on the road.

No you don't. I still make those mistakes, you just make it so I don't enjoy them. Besides...maybe I'd like to corrupt my incorruptible ideals. Maybe I'm tired of holding myself at a safe distance from reality. Guilt, you have your ethics, but do they keep you warm at night? do they put a fire in your belly? do they challenge you to stretch out of the box? Who's ethics are you really following anyway? How do you know they are your ethics, if you don't challenge them? Maybe, I LIKE the dark path. Maybe I like to wallow about in my orgy of consumerism, my non-ecofriendly car, my high fructose corn syrup.

Suit yourself, says Guilt, feeling a bit victimized....I am here just to inform, I don't call the shots.

That is probably where the conversation would end, and where it does end everyday. Where we look at each other, our cocoa growing cold...and have nothing left to say.

"they got the beat, they got the beat, they got the beat...yeah....they got the beat". It makes me want to go put on pixie pants, an argyle sweater and wear my neon sunglasses. I have no idea if that was in fashion in the 80's, but its what I wore. (remember, I wasn't really that cool).

Merry Christmas, Kwanza, Hannakah, Pagan Tree Worshippers.....May your double AA always stay charged.

Walmart girl

I've managed to avoid Walmart this entire Christmas season. Well..almost. I tried to find this one special item (PS3 "Call to Duty: World of War" video game) for hubby...elsewhere but like the vortex it is, the whore of the Earth sucked me in and I found myself herded with the rest of the cattle into the bright fluorescent halls of the local Walmart. Lordy lordy....how I hate that place. In the electronics section, I was trying to get the attention of a friendly Walmart associate to open the locked case containing the beloved item. This wasn't easy because I was literally surrounded by a hoard of people, each with their own particular and urgent need. It felt sort of dirty and wrong. I wanted to take a shower. Instead I practiced assertiveness and weaseled my way through the crowd until I found someone with the magical key. I asked her how she was holding up as she rang up my purchase and she was very forthcoming with her views of the Walmart customers tonight. I took no offense because I know she speaks the truth. She looked haggard. One lock of hair had escaped from her pony tail and fell in her face as she was scanning my item, her face was blanched, she had tired eyes. Her eye make up had smeared giving her a gothic, black eyed look. I've worked in retail at Christmas and it took me years before I could enjoy Christmas again, even after I had quit the retail job.

So tomorrow and the next day, if you hold up your glass to make a toast, please sneak in one toast for the Walmart girl. She deserves it.

fifthly

....NO filling up a plastic bin full of snow and sneaking it downstairs. Snowball Fights=OUTSIDE.

And no science experiments with anything that will stink or smoke, and no feeding it to the dog or your brother.

Santa is watching!!!! ( I threaten with my shrill authoritative big girl voice). But only one of them is still a solid believer so my leverage has slipped significantly this year.

How long is this Christmas Break? Would it be wrong to sedate them for a couple weeks?

christmas break

This morning I sat all my little savages on the couch for "a meeting." Now that we're going to be spending more time together for the next couple weeks with school out...lets lay down some ground rules. First of all....mommy likes to sleep in. Mommy can't sleep in when school is open because mommy gets up early to help boys go to school. But that's not an issue now so when you open your little peepers in the morning, don't ask me to open mine. Yes, we can snuggle. But the dog isn't invited. Secondly...you each get one and only one hour on the computer. No whining about this, and don't even ask, even if it is "educational" Yes,...I'm asking you to do what I say and not what I do. Whenever I'm on the computer, I'm "working". (unfortunately kids are sensitive to the bullshit factor and they can see through my lies and excuses). Thirdly...please no more making that annoying squishy sound in your cheeks, it's making everybody crazy. Fourthly....when you want to talk to me, or you need my help, please don't just yell..... "maaaaaaoooommmm" from whatever part of the house you are in, unless you're on the toilet. (but I'm not wiping if you haven't already tried at least three wipes on your own)

During my lecture, Noah who lives in his sleeping bag lately crawled under the sofa table and did his worm impressions which incited the dog to catch and eat the worm (one of their favorite games)....which made Christian giggle and start making his cheeky squishy noise which made Josh shove Christian which made Christian wail...and so it goes. Never a boring moment.

No thanks Mr. Hugo.

It's late. 12:32 am. I believe a change in my blogname is called for because lately it is anything but "disregulated. " My days of open up laptop, open up brain and let everything flow out unrestrained appear to be over. My steady stream of consciousness is now constipated. Then again, that is just one way to look at things. Maybe I'd like to take my blog writing up a notch and be a little more deliberate about what and who ends up in my posts. Particularly the "who" part because I think this is an area where I must tread lightly. I'm developing a growing sense of the privacy and respect that others deserve. So as I pull in personal experiences, I feel compelled to present the characters in these personal dramas in a fair and anonymous way. Maybe this is why I've felt the need for such a long break from frequent blogging activity. Maybe I needed some time to fine tune and create a plan. (even though I have still have no plan). Once I get a plan, I also plan to deviate from my plan as the need arises. But in this moment, my plan seems to be falling asleep. I wake up enough to crank out another sentence before I slip back into my altered state. Probably not a good time to be blogging. Who knows what secrets I will divulge in this condition??? My kids used to love my bedtime stories when I was really tired. Now Josh doesn't want to hear one, unless he is pretty sure I'll fall asleep as I'm telling it. Mainly because I tend to fall asleep as I'm talking and yet I continue with the story mostly uninterrupted. It is when my unconscious starts talking and then things get really bizarre. Josh still likes to remind me of the story that started out like any respectable fairy tale does with a prince on a mission quest...but then it ended up with everyone getting on a school bus. They were all taken to a hospital where the bus driver ordered everyone out of the bus. He marched into the hospital and yelled,..."Can I get back to work here????" He laughed and it woke me up. I asked him to tell the story back to me because I had no idea where it had gone and I laughed in spite of myself. I'm hopeless at this. When I'm awake, my stories are so boring and predictable, when I'm asleep they make absolutely no sense. They toggle between mundane and incomprehensible. This reminds me again of my blogging history, which I believe has followed a similiar pattern.

It's now 12:54. Twenty minutes have gone by and what do I have to show for it? Only a cup of cold Candy Cane Tea that I forgot I made for myself an hour ago. I was distracted by a quote by Victor Hugo on the package of the box of tea... It said something like..."a smile is the sun that wipes the winter off of the human face." I found myself becoming oddly annoyed by that quote, which on the surface seems benign enough. Maybe I'm annoyed because of his insinuation that winter is a negative thing, that sun is a good thing and that smiling is our ultimate goal. I like winter. Today I took the kids sledding. Noah and his cousin launched repeatedly off of a snow jump. Every time they aimed correctly, they were rewarded with the flight of several feet off the ground. Which often led to a messy landing, which then led to giggles and big clouds of snow and then another haul up the hill to do it all over again. Christian and I shared a sled for most of the afternoon because of his timidity with solo runs. My anxiety over a metal post stuck inconveniently in the middle of the sledding field didn't help much. Christian asked me why we were sledding down a hill when there was a fence surrounding it with the words "no sledding" stamped repeatedly down the several horizontal fence planks. When he asked me, the metal post came to mind and I told him that this was more of a "suggestion". Oh...he said. So they aren't telling us...they're just "asking" us not to sled here. Yeah. I guess you could say that. So we won't go to jail. No, we won't go jail. Actually, I thought, the consequences would be much worse if we were caught by the menacing post, than any rebuke by a grumpy Parks and Recreation employee. However, we were not caught by either one today. It was a wonderful day and we had a great time. On the way home, I could feel my toes start tingling from the sensation of warming up and I thought to myself that there aren't many sensations in the world that I like better. (of course...I can think of a couple...lets face it, who doesn't enjoy a healthy bowel movement? Come on. Be honest). My face was red, glowing and wind kissed. Sun kissing the winter from my face? I think not. Winter is welcome on this face. At least for a few months out of the year.

But Shelly...I tell myself...you dope, you missed the whole metaphorical meaning of what poor Hugo was trying to express. No. I think I got that too. Winter=Sadness and Despair. Sun=Hope and Optimism. Hope and optimism shuts out sadness and despair and nothing helps the process more than a cup of Candy Cane Tea. But....obstinate doof that I am...I want to know why I need to have hope kiss away my despair? If I am despairing, I want to sit down and drink my tea with my despair. Welcome it as an important guest and get to know it. Not wallow and surrender to it,.....but look my despair square on until I understand it. Confront confront confront...until I understand. It's the only way I think to real hope and optimism rather than the counterfeit kind that we hold onto tightly because we should.

It's now 1:26am. Over an hour has passed. My brief sleeping spells are increasing in frequency and duration. Maybe its time I surrender to it.

(yaaaaaaawn) Good night!

E=mc2

CI gently reminded me that I've been slackin' on my bloggin' lately. It's true. I couldn't even remember my password for a minute or so. It not that I've left this community altogether, I still think of it often, and the relationships I've discovered through it... It's more that my time has shifted into a higher gear lately. I cannot believe how fast everything seems to be flying by. When my kids were little, time was molasses. Everyday clicked off one tick tick tick at a time. Sometimes it was fun and rewarding, but mostly I was terribly bored and lonely and really really tired. It's not that I didn't love my babies, or the time I was able to spend with them (cleaning up pooh, wiping boogers, playing in the leaves, rocking them to sleep, watching PBS, taking long walks where no twig in our path was left undiscovered). It was a sweet time of life and I think back on it with great nostaglia. Now my kids are all in school, my time has entered into a much much quicker pace. Homework, piano, scouting, soccer, endless volunteering, the PTA... I decided that once all my kids were in school, that would be the time to reopen the business idea (with all that extra time I'll have when they are in school). HA! I haven't touched accounts receivable in a month, it's all in a stack waiting for me. It's now on my afternoon agenda. Because I've just spent all morning helping out in the 5th grade class. They have huge class sizes in Utah and I feel it is a priviledge, a duty and an honor to help decrease the ratio of kids to adults. Okay....hang on...let me climb down from my high horse. Not to say this isn't true... but my primary motivation is to be involved enough that I know what's goin' on. That I know when to fill in the cracks of my kids education, and to also compare the stories that get carried home with what I am perceiving first hand. I'm not easy to please, but I'm pleased this year. There will never be the "perfect" match, but there is a strong community feel and people who seem passionate about these kids. That's enough for now to keep me happy.

I know this isn't really a post. Just a quick update. I'm slowly figuring out how to shift the burdensome minutia of the little clinic onto others...my partner, a bookkeeper, an answering service, etc. I'm gradually letting go of micro-management. I miss my free time. I miss connecting with friends and blogging. And..ski season is starting soon. For my big 40th birthday that is coming up way too fast, I'm hoping to get myself a fancy new snowboard and carve out time to actually use it. My current board is over 12 years old and it has seen it's better days.

I hear rumors of another Exmo Expo coming up. I hope I'm not an Ex Exmo Expo Member. If there is a minimum number of posts required before an invitation to attend is issued, let me know and I'll get crackin'.