Part One

Here the first part of my reply to the fictional George. I worry that because the original author isn't here, and thus cannot explain or defend himself, I may be caught in the straw man fallacy. But, I am morphing the current author with my former self and I will allow my righteous self to step in in George's defense where needed. Like I said, it wasn't that long ago that I could have been the author.



If I were to pull out all the claims made in this response and lay them all out side by side, it might look like this:

1-Sin is a valid concept. (ie...we will all eventually be held accountable to some higher authority for all our actions)

2-Jesus Christ (God) is alive and he has a church (which is the Mormon church)

3-Being selfish is a bad thing, not obeying authority is a bad thing, lust (which I'm going to interpret as desire)...is a bad thing.

4-The author of the Doctrine & Covenants (the premise of this would be a subject of disagreement...I believe it to be Joesph Smith and his lackeys....You would say it is Jesus Christ)....has the authority to define reality,...yours, mine, everyone's.

5-There are two ways of thinking....the believer's way and everyone else's. (or "our way" vs the "world's way").

6-The following practices will help me earn an eternal life (the imbeded claim here is that there is such a thing as eternal life), or at the very least, a life that is in line with the teachings of the Mormon church... prayer, following the rules (being obedient to authority), having faith,(which I define as believing in something despite the lack of tangible evidence) being humble (from my experience in the church this means to rely on and acquiese to a power greater than the self. Which seems like a beautiful concept at first, until you start thinking about how to define that power and who interprets it.)

7-Having a testimony...(which I'll define as having a belief in the teachings of the Mormon church) takes honesty.

8-Those who question the teachings of the Mormon church are probably reacting to some offense, and they should be more forgiving.

9-It is important to keep every commandment. (commandment or "the word of God" but the word of God as interpreted by whom? So ultimately who am I being obedient to?)

10-There is such a thing as priesthood, and powers of heaven and they are connected. These powers of heaven can be controlled by someone who is righteous.


So far, I'm trying to lay out what his claims are and begin to examine the underlying premises for these claims. Which I'll get into more later....

To my dear George....

Recently I was reading the newspaper (online) about the declining rates of Mormons in Utah. A welcome trend in my opinion, I would love a little more diversity around here. (and I think many active Mormons would agree with me). I usually try to avoid this, but I found myself reading the comment section at the bottom of the article. I think the Trib and Deseret News comments are usually thoughtless, offensive and polarized dribble. I don't usually waste my time on them. But today, I got pulled in by a catchy title and ended up reading this one. (author unknown).


"The path to overcome our selfishness, disobedience, lust and other sins is a continue source of opposition. As we slip into the ways of the world, we will surely lose our ways. When we gained a testimony, It seems to take a certain amount of honesty to see the truthfulness of the fullness of the gospel. However, staying active in the true church of Jesus Christ is another story. We must endure to the end. We must keep every commandment. Everyone will get offended, and we must forgive. God lives, I have a testimony of the eternal nature of the only true church of Jesus Christ on the earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If you have slipped and are questioning, ponder this scripture in Section 121 of the D&C: 34 Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? 35 Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson— 36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. Don't give up your path to eternal life. Prayer, obedience, humility, faith can be called upon to strengthen your testimony. "

A part of me reads this and I feel an odd sense of kinship with the author. Not because I agree with any of it, but because not that long ago, I could have been the author. I feel like I understand where the person is coming from, and the feelings that motivated this comment. I don't believe this commenter is a "mindless drone" like many reading it have asserted. But I do not agree with even one line of it. In fact I think the ideas presented in this comment are dangerous. I want to break it down and explain why I think these ideas are dangerous...line by line. Respectfully. It's not that I am really all that distracted by the Mormon debate anymore, I feel like I've moved on from that. I don't think I have the ability to change anyone's mind, and I no longer concern myself with trying. I feel comfortable with where I'm at, and where I'm going. I have found beauty and meaning in my life and it is not enhanced by "being right" and proving someone else "wrong". Yet, maybe for the same reasons that compelled the author of this comment, (lets call him "George" for convenience sake.)..to write this, I too feel compelled to counter it with my own opinion. I think George is wrong. I may be wrong too. But I believe engaging in dialogue, if we follow the rules of respectful debate....will help us, if not anything more, than to at least understand where the other is coming from, even if we can't ever agree. If George is able to convince me, using logic, feeling, examples,...I would be willing to move from my opinion. I want to maintain an open mind, and if I'm wrong, I want to be shown how I'm wrong. I would hope that George would be willing to do the same. My goal however, is not to convince George of anything, more than it is to explore and challenge (or have challenged) my own viewpoint. I think the worst thing for me is to maintain a rigid stance when there is so much out there that I haven't yet considered. I'm not jumping from one ideology to another, more than I am seeking to layer my perspectives and hopefully what I will end up with is a mixture of truth. Not "objective truth" as I am very suspect of anything claiming to be objective truth. But truth that resonates for me. My own truth. Or the truth that informs my behavior. Which really, when it all comes down to it, is the only thing that I have any control over.

So George...what do you think? Do you want to play? Are you in? It will have to wait until later because I have a house full of wrapping paper to contend with. That, plus I need some time to get my thoughts lined up.

Post Christmas Ruminations

All the Whos in my little Whoville are pleasantly entertained with their new gadgets and do dads. The roast beast was delicious. I'm now surrounded in wrapping paper that I was too tired to clean up this morning, and too apathetic to clean up now, a reminder that this time of year is an orgy in consumerism and I am a willing participant. Christmas is one of those things that I really doubt I'd get into much if I didn't have kids. I also wouldn't be driving as big as car, or driving a car at all. But, I push away the edge of nagging guilt that reminds me to set a good example to the next generation, especially if it calls for sacrifice. But, lets face it...challenging the status quo takes energy and planning, something that often runs in too short supply around here. My life is mostly about putting out what immediate fires are burning the hottest. Christmas is another fire that is now a meek burning ember for 2008. But my guilt doesn't ruin my pleasure of listening to my oldest belt out the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger" with his new Rock Band game. Does he know this came out back when "I" was cool? and young? (Okay....I was never cool). He's now singing an old Duran Duran song..."do do do do do do do do do do do...do do." .... "I'm on a hunt I'm after you." (...oh the memories! )....."and I'm hungry like a woooooooolf." Maybe it's okay, if once or twice a year I am allowed to spoil them a bit. As long as I keep it to once a year. Regardless, the guilt is still there, sitting quietly in the corner with a pinched and condescending expression. If I am to follow my own advice, I'd ask that guilt to sit down to hot cocoa with me and have a conversation. Who are you? Why are you haunting me? What do you want from me? Can you not allow me a little hedonistic pleasure now and then?

I am your conscience. Guilt would say. I keep you honest. I keep you from making the really big mistakes,....like going down the really dark path. I am here to remind you of your incorruptible ideals, your untainted inner life, the better you, the perfect you. I help you keep all four wheels on the road.

No you don't. I still make those mistakes, you just make it so I don't enjoy them. Besides...maybe I'd like to corrupt my incorruptible ideals. Maybe I'm tired of holding myself at a safe distance from reality. Guilt, you have your ethics, but do they keep you warm at night? do they put a fire in your belly? do they challenge you to stretch out of the box? Who's ethics are you really following anyway? How do you know they are your ethics, if you don't challenge them? Maybe, I LIKE the dark path. Maybe I like to wallow about in my orgy of consumerism, my non-ecofriendly car, my high fructose corn syrup.

Suit yourself, says Guilt, feeling a bit victimized....I am here just to inform, I don't call the shots.

That is probably where the conversation would end, and where it does end everyday. Where we look at each other, our cocoa growing cold...and have nothing left to say.

"they got the beat, they got the beat, they got the beat...yeah....they got the beat". It makes me want to go put on pixie pants, an argyle sweater and wear my neon sunglasses. I have no idea if that was in fashion in the 80's, but its what I wore. (remember, I wasn't really that cool).

Merry Christmas, Kwanza, Hannakah, Pagan Tree Worshippers.....May your double AA always stay charged.

Walmart girl

I've managed to avoid Walmart this entire Christmas season. Well..almost. I tried to find this one special item (PS3 "Call to Duty: World of War" video game) for hubby...elsewhere but like the vortex it is, the whore of the Earth sucked me in and I found myself herded with the rest of the cattle into the bright fluorescent halls of the local Walmart. Lordy lordy....how I hate that place. In the electronics section, I was trying to get the attention of a friendly Walmart associate to open the locked case containing the beloved item. This wasn't easy because I was literally surrounded by a hoard of people, each with their own particular and urgent need. It felt sort of dirty and wrong. I wanted to take a shower. Instead I practiced assertiveness and weaseled my way through the crowd until I found someone with the magical key. I asked her how she was holding up as she rang up my purchase and she was very forthcoming with her views of the Walmart customers tonight. I took no offense because I know she speaks the truth. She looked haggard. One lock of hair had escaped from her pony tail and fell in her face as she was scanning my item, her face was blanched, she had tired eyes. Her eye make up had smeared giving her a gothic, black eyed look. I've worked in retail at Christmas and it took me years before I could enjoy Christmas again, even after I had quit the retail job.

So tomorrow and the next day, if you hold up your glass to make a toast, please sneak in one toast for the Walmart girl. She deserves it.

fifthly

....NO filling up a plastic bin full of snow and sneaking it downstairs. Snowball Fights=OUTSIDE.

And no science experiments with anything that will stink or smoke, and no feeding it to the dog or your brother.

Santa is watching!!!! ( I threaten with my shrill authoritative big girl voice). But only one of them is still a solid believer so my leverage has slipped significantly this year.

How long is this Christmas Break? Would it be wrong to sedate them for a couple weeks?

christmas break

This morning I sat all my little savages on the couch for "a meeting." Now that we're going to be spending more time together for the next couple weeks with school out...lets lay down some ground rules. First of all....mommy likes to sleep in. Mommy can't sleep in when school is open because mommy gets up early to help boys go to school. But that's not an issue now so when you open your little peepers in the morning, don't ask me to open mine. Yes, we can snuggle. But the dog isn't invited. Secondly...you each get one and only one hour on the computer. No whining about this, and don't even ask, even if it is "educational" Yes,...I'm asking you to do what I say and not what I do. Whenever I'm on the computer, I'm "working". (unfortunately kids are sensitive to the bullshit factor and they can see through my lies and excuses). Thirdly...please no more making that annoying squishy sound in your cheeks, it's making everybody crazy. Fourthly....when you want to talk to me, or you need my help, please don't just yell..... "maaaaaaoooommmm" from whatever part of the house you are in, unless you're on the toilet. (but I'm not wiping if you haven't already tried at least three wipes on your own)

During my lecture, Noah who lives in his sleeping bag lately crawled under the sofa table and did his worm impressions which incited the dog to catch and eat the worm (one of their favorite games)....which made Christian giggle and start making his cheeky squishy noise which made Josh shove Christian which made Christian wail...and so it goes. Never a boring moment.

No thanks Mr. Hugo.

It's late. 12:32 am. I believe a change in my blogname is called for because lately it is anything but "disregulated. " My days of open up laptop, open up brain and let everything flow out unrestrained appear to be over. My steady stream of consciousness is now constipated. Then again, that is just one way to look at things. Maybe I'd like to take my blog writing up a notch and be a little more deliberate about what and who ends up in my posts. Particularly the "who" part because I think this is an area where I must tread lightly. I'm developing a growing sense of the privacy and respect that others deserve. So as I pull in personal experiences, I feel compelled to present the characters in these personal dramas in a fair and anonymous way. Maybe this is why I've felt the need for such a long break from frequent blogging activity. Maybe I needed some time to fine tune and create a plan. (even though I have still have no plan). Once I get a plan, I also plan to deviate from my plan as the need arises. But in this moment, my plan seems to be falling asleep. I wake up enough to crank out another sentence before I slip back into my altered state. Probably not a good time to be blogging. Who knows what secrets I will divulge in this condition??? My kids used to love my bedtime stories when I was really tired. Now Josh doesn't want to hear one, unless he is pretty sure I'll fall asleep as I'm telling it. Mainly because I tend to fall asleep as I'm talking and yet I continue with the story mostly uninterrupted. It is when my unconscious starts talking and then things get really bizarre. Josh still likes to remind me of the story that started out like any respectable fairy tale does with a prince on a mission quest...but then it ended up with everyone getting on a school bus. They were all taken to a hospital where the bus driver ordered everyone out of the bus. He marched into the hospital and yelled,..."Can I get back to work here????" He laughed and it woke me up. I asked him to tell the story back to me because I had no idea where it had gone and I laughed in spite of myself. I'm hopeless at this. When I'm awake, my stories are so boring and predictable, when I'm asleep they make absolutely no sense. They toggle between mundane and incomprehensible. This reminds me again of my blogging history, which I believe has followed a similiar pattern.

It's now 12:54. Twenty minutes have gone by and what do I have to show for it? Only a cup of cold Candy Cane Tea that I forgot I made for myself an hour ago. I was distracted by a quote by Victor Hugo on the package of the box of tea... It said something like..."a smile is the sun that wipes the winter off of the human face." I found myself becoming oddly annoyed by that quote, which on the surface seems benign enough. Maybe I'm annoyed because of his insinuation that winter is a negative thing, that sun is a good thing and that smiling is our ultimate goal. I like winter. Today I took the kids sledding. Noah and his cousin launched repeatedly off of a snow jump. Every time they aimed correctly, they were rewarded with the flight of several feet off the ground. Which often led to a messy landing, which then led to giggles and big clouds of snow and then another haul up the hill to do it all over again. Christian and I shared a sled for most of the afternoon because of his timidity with solo runs. My anxiety over a metal post stuck inconveniently in the middle of the sledding field didn't help much. Christian asked me why we were sledding down a hill when there was a fence surrounding it with the words "no sledding" stamped repeatedly down the several horizontal fence planks. When he asked me, the metal post came to mind and I told him that this was more of a "suggestion". Oh...he said. So they aren't telling us...they're just "asking" us not to sled here. Yeah. I guess you could say that. So we won't go to jail. No, we won't go jail. Actually, I thought, the consequences would be much worse if we were caught by the menacing post, than any rebuke by a grumpy Parks and Recreation employee. However, we were not caught by either one today. It was a wonderful day and we had a great time. On the way home, I could feel my toes start tingling from the sensation of warming up and I thought to myself that there aren't many sensations in the world that I like better. (of course...I can think of a couple...lets face it, who doesn't enjoy a healthy bowel movement? Come on. Be honest). My face was red, glowing and wind kissed. Sun kissing the winter from my face? I think not. Winter is welcome on this face. At least for a few months out of the year.

But Shelly...I tell myself...you dope, you missed the whole metaphorical meaning of what poor Hugo was trying to express. No. I think I got that too. Winter=Sadness and Despair. Sun=Hope and Optimism. Hope and optimism shuts out sadness and despair and nothing helps the process more than a cup of Candy Cane Tea. But....obstinate doof that I am...I want to know why I need to have hope kiss away my despair? If I am despairing, I want to sit down and drink my tea with my despair. Welcome it as an important guest and get to know it. Not wallow and surrender to it,.....but look my despair square on until I understand it. Confront confront confront...until I understand. It's the only way I think to real hope and optimism rather than the counterfeit kind that we hold onto tightly because we should.

It's now 1:26am. Over an hour has passed. My brief sleeping spells are increasing in frequency and duration. Maybe its time I surrender to it.

(yaaaaaaawn) Good night!