All the Whos in my little Whoville are pleasantly entertained with their new gadgets and do dads. The roast beast was delicious. I'm now surrounded in wrapping paper that I was too tired to clean up this morning, and too apathetic to clean up now, a reminder that this time of year is an orgy in consumerism and I am a willing participant. Christmas is one of those things that I really doubt I'd get into much if I didn't have kids. I also wouldn't be driving as big as car, or driving a car at all. But, I push away the edge of nagging guilt that reminds me to set a good example to the next generation, especially if it calls for sacrifice. But, lets face it...challenging the status quo takes energy and planning, something that often runs in too short supply around here. My life is mostly about putting out what immediate fires are burning the hottest. Christmas is another fire that is now a meek burning ember for 2008. But my guilt doesn't ruin my pleasure of listening to my oldest belt out the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger" with his new Rock Band game. Does he know this came out back when "I" was cool? and young? (Okay....I was never cool). He's now singing an old Duran Duran song..."do do do do do do do do do do do...do do." .... "I'm on a hunt I'm after you." (...oh the memories! )....."and I'm hungry like a woooooooolf." Maybe it's okay, if once or twice a year I am allowed to spoil them a bit. As long as I keep it to once a year. Regardless, the guilt is still there, sitting quietly in the corner with a pinched and condescending expression. If I am to follow my own advice, I'd ask that guilt to sit down to hot cocoa with me and have a conversation. Who are you? Why are you haunting me? What do you want from me? Can you not allow me a little hedonistic pleasure now and then?
I am your conscience. Guilt would say. I keep you honest. I keep you from making the really big mistakes,....like going down the really dark path. I am here to remind you of your incorruptible ideals, your untainted inner life, the better you, the perfect you. I help you keep all four wheels on the road.
No you don't. I still make those mistakes, you just make it so I don't enjoy them. Besides...maybe I'd like to corrupt my incorruptible ideals. Maybe I'm tired of holding myself at a safe distance from reality. Guilt, you have your ethics, but do they keep you warm at night? do they put a fire in your belly? do they challenge you to stretch out of the box? Who's ethics are you really following anyway? How do you know they are your ethics, if you don't challenge them? Maybe, I LIKE the dark path. Maybe I like to wallow about in my orgy of consumerism, my non-ecofriendly car, my high fructose corn syrup.
Suit yourself, says Guilt, feeling a bit victimized....I am here just to inform, I don't call the shots.
That is probably where the conversation would end, and where it does end everyday. Where we look at each other, our cocoa growing cold...and have nothing left to say.
"they got the beat, they got the beat, they got the beat...yeah....they got the beat". It makes me want to go put on pixie pants, an argyle sweater and wear my neon sunglasses. I have no idea if that was in fashion in the 80's, but its what I wore. (remember, I wasn't really that cool).
Merry Christmas, Kwanza, Hannakah, Pagan Tree Worshippers.....May your double AA always stay charged.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Walmart girl
I've managed to avoid Walmart this entire Christmas season. Well..almost. I tried to find this one special item (PS3 "Call to Duty: World of War" video game) for hubby...elsewhere but like the vortex it is, the whore of the Earth sucked me in and I found myself herded with the rest of the cattle into the bright fluorescent halls of the local Walmart. Lordy lordy....how I hate that place. In the electronics section, I was trying to get the attention of a friendly Walmart associate to open the locked case containing the beloved item. This wasn't easy because I was literally surrounded by a hoard of people, each with their own particular and urgent need. It felt sort of dirty and wrong. I wanted to take a shower. Instead I practiced assertiveness and weaseled my way through the crowd until I found someone with the magical key. I asked her how she was holding up as she rang up my purchase and she was very forthcoming with her views of the Walmart customers tonight. I took no offense because I know she speaks the truth. She looked haggard. One lock of hair had escaped from her pony tail and fell in her face as she was scanning my item, her face was blanched, she had tired eyes. Her eye make up had smeared giving her a gothic, black eyed look. I've worked in retail at Christmas and it took me years before I could enjoy Christmas again, even after I had quit the retail job.
So tomorrow and the next day, if you hold up your glass to make a toast, please sneak in one toast for the Walmart girl. She deserves it.
So tomorrow and the next day, if you hold up your glass to make a toast, please sneak in one toast for the Walmart girl. She deserves it.
fifthly
....NO filling up a plastic bin full of snow and sneaking it downstairs. Snowball Fights=OUTSIDE.
And no science experiments with anything that will stink or smoke, and no feeding it to the dog or your brother.
Santa is watching!!!! ( I threaten with my shrill authoritative big girl voice). But only one of them is still a solid believer so my leverage has slipped significantly this year.
How long is this Christmas Break? Would it be wrong to sedate them for a couple weeks?
And no science experiments with anything that will stink or smoke, and no feeding it to the dog or your brother.
Santa is watching!!!! ( I threaten with my shrill authoritative big girl voice). But only one of them is still a solid believer so my leverage has slipped significantly this year.
How long is this Christmas Break? Would it be wrong to sedate them for a couple weeks?
christmas break
This morning I sat all my little savages on the couch for "a meeting." Now that we're going to be spending more time together for the next couple weeks with school out...lets lay down some ground rules. First of all....mommy likes to sleep in. Mommy can't sleep in when school is open because mommy gets up early to help boys go to school. But that's not an issue now so when you open your little peepers in the morning, don't ask me to open mine. Yes, we can snuggle. But the dog isn't invited. Secondly...you each get one and only one hour on the computer. No whining about this, and don't even ask, even if it is "educational" Yes,...I'm asking you to do what I say and not what I do. Whenever I'm on the computer, I'm "working". (unfortunately kids are sensitive to the bullshit factor and they can see through my lies and excuses). Thirdly...please no more making that annoying squishy sound in your cheeks, it's making everybody crazy. Fourthly....when you want to talk to me, or you need my help, please don't just yell..... "maaaaaaoooommmm" from whatever part of the house you are in, unless you're on the toilet. (but I'm not wiping if you haven't already tried at least three wipes on your own)
During my lecture, Noah who lives in his sleeping bag lately crawled under the sofa table and did his worm impressions which incited the dog to catch and eat the worm (one of their favorite games)....which made Christian giggle and start making his cheeky squishy noise which made Josh shove Christian which made Christian wail...and so it goes. Never a boring moment.
During my lecture, Noah who lives in his sleeping bag lately crawled under the sofa table and did his worm impressions which incited the dog to catch and eat the worm (one of their favorite games)....which made Christian giggle and start making his cheeky squishy noise which made Josh shove Christian which made Christian wail...and so it goes. Never a boring moment.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
No thanks Mr. Hugo.
It's late. 12:32 am. I believe a change in my blogname is called for because lately it is anything but "disregulated. " My days of open up laptop, open up brain and let everything flow out unrestrained appear to be over. My steady stream of consciousness is now constipated. Then again, that is just one way to look at things. Maybe I'd like to take my blog writing up a notch and be a little more deliberate about what and who ends up in my posts. Particularly the "who" part because I think this is an area where I must tread lightly. I'm developing a growing sense of the privacy and respect that others deserve. So as I pull in personal experiences, I feel compelled to present the characters in these personal dramas in a fair and anonymous way. Maybe this is why I've felt the need for such a long break from frequent blogging activity. Maybe I needed some time to fine tune and create a plan. (even though I have still have no plan). Once I get a plan, I also plan to deviate from my plan as the need arises. But in this moment, my plan seems to be falling asleep. I wake up enough to crank out another sentence before I slip back into my altered state. Probably not a good time to be blogging. Who knows what secrets I will divulge in this condition??? My kids used to love my bedtime stories when I was really tired. Now Josh doesn't want to hear one, unless he is pretty sure I'll fall asleep as I'm telling it. Mainly because I tend to fall asleep as I'm talking and yet I continue with the story mostly uninterrupted. It is when my unconscious starts talking and then things get really bizarre. Josh still likes to remind me of the story that started out like any respectable fairy tale does with a prince on a mission quest...but then it ended up with everyone getting on a school bus. They were all taken to a hospital where the bus driver ordered everyone out of the bus. He marched into the hospital and yelled,..."Can I get back to work here????" He laughed and it woke me up. I asked him to tell the story back to me because I had no idea where it had gone and I laughed in spite of myself. I'm hopeless at this. When I'm awake, my stories are so boring and predictable, when I'm asleep they make absolutely no sense. They toggle between mundane and incomprehensible. This reminds me again of my blogging history, which I believe has followed a similiar pattern.
It's now 12:54. Twenty minutes have gone by and what do I have to show for it? Only a cup of cold Candy Cane Tea that I forgot I made for myself an hour ago. I was distracted by a quote by Victor Hugo on the package of the box of tea... It said something like..."a smile is the sun that wipes the winter off of the human face." I found myself becoming oddly annoyed by that quote, which on the surface seems benign enough. Maybe I'm annoyed because of his insinuation that winter is a negative thing, that sun is a good thing and that smiling is our ultimate goal. I like winter. Today I took the kids sledding. Noah and his cousin launched repeatedly off of a snow jump. Every time they aimed correctly, they were rewarded with the flight of several feet off the ground. Which often led to a messy landing, which then led to giggles and big clouds of snow and then another haul up the hill to do it all over again. Christian and I shared a sled for most of the afternoon because of his timidity with solo runs. My anxiety over a metal post stuck inconveniently in the middle of the sledding field didn't help much. Christian asked me why we were sledding down a hill when there was a fence surrounding it with the words "no sledding" stamped repeatedly down the several horizontal fence planks. When he asked me, the metal post came to mind and I told him that this was more of a "suggestion". Oh...he said. So they aren't telling us...they're just "asking" us not to sled here. Yeah. I guess you could say that. So we won't go to jail. No, we won't go jail. Actually, I thought, the consequences would be much worse if we were caught by the menacing post, than any rebuke by a grumpy Parks and Recreation employee. However, we were not caught by either one today. It was a wonderful day and we had a great time. On the way home, I could feel my toes start tingling from the sensation of warming up and I thought to myself that there aren't many sensations in the world that I like better. (of course...I can think of a couple...lets face it, who doesn't enjoy a healthy bowel movement? Come on. Be honest). My face was red, glowing and wind kissed. Sun kissing the winter from my face? I think not. Winter is welcome on this face. At least for a few months out of the year.
But Shelly...I tell myself...you dope, you missed the whole metaphorical meaning of what poor Hugo was trying to express. No. I think I got that too. Winter=Sadness and Despair. Sun=Hope and Optimism. Hope and optimism shuts out sadness and despair and nothing helps the process more than a cup of Candy Cane Tea. But....obstinate doof that I am...I want to know why I need to have hope kiss away my despair? If I am despairing, I want to sit down and drink my tea with my despair. Welcome it as an important guest and get to know it. Not wallow and surrender to it,.....but look my despair square on until I understand it. Confront confront confront...until I understand. It's the only way I think to real hope and optimism rather than the counterfeit kind that we hold onto tightly because we should.
It's now 1:26am. Over an hour has passed. My brief sleeping spells are increasing in frequency and duration. Maybe its time I surrender to it.
(yaaaaaaawn) Good night!
It's now 12:54. Twenty minutes have gone by and what do I have to show for it? Only a cup of cold Candy Cane Tea that I forgot I made for myself an hour ago. I was distracted by a quote by Victor Hugo on the package of the box of tea... It said something like..."a smile is the sun that wipes the winter off of the human face." I found myself becoming oddly annoyed by that quote, which on the surface seems benign enough. Maybe I'm annoyed because of his insinuation that winter is a negative thing, that sun is a good thing and that smiling is our ultimate goal. I like winter. Today I took the kids sledding. Noah and his cousin launched repeatedly off of a snow jump. Every time they aimed correctly, they were rewarded with the flight of several feet off the ground. Which often led to a messy landing, which then led to giggles and big clouds of snow and then another haul up the hill to do it all over again. Christian and I shared a sled for most of the afternoon because of his timidity with solo runs. My anxiety over a metal post stuck inconveniently in the middle of the sledding field didn't help much. Christian asked me why we were sledding down a hill when there was a fence surrounding it with the words "no sledding" stamped repeatedly down the several horizontal fence planks. When he asked me, the metal post came to mind and I told him that this was more of a "suggestion". Oh...he said. So they aren't telling us...they're just "asking" us not to sled here. Yeah. I guess you could say that. So we won't go to jail. No, we won't go jail. Actually, I thought, the consequences would be much worse if we were caught by the menacing post, than any rebuke by a grumpy Parks and Recreation employee. However, we were not caught by either one today. It was a wonderful day and we had a great time. On the way home, I could feel my toes start tingling from the sensation of warming up and I thought to myself that there aren't many sensations in the world that I like better. (of course...I can think of a couple...lets face it, who doesn't enjoy a healthy bowel movement? Come on. Be honest). My face was red, glowing and wind kissed. Sun kissing the winter from my face? I think not. Winter is welcome on this face. At least for a few months out of the year.
But Shelly...I tell myself...you dope, you missed the whole metaphorical meaning of what poor Hugo was trying to express. No. I think I got that too. Winter=Sadness and Despair. Sun=Hope and Optimism. Hope and optimism shuts out sadness and despair and nothing helps the process more than a cup of Candy Cane Tea. But....obstinate doof that I am...I want to know why I need to have hope kiss away my despair? If I am despairing, I want to sit down and drink my tea with my despair. Welcome it as an important guest and get to know it. Not wallow and surrender to it,.....but look my despair square on until I understand it. Confront confront confront...until I understand. It's the only way I think to real hope and optimism rather than the counterfeit kind that we hold onto tightly because we should.
It's now 1:26am. Over an hour has passed. My brief sleeping spells are increasing in frequency and duration. Maybe its time I surrender to it.
(yaaaaaaawn) Good night!
Monday, November 17, 2008
E=mc2
CI gently reminded me that I've been slackin' on my bloggin' lately. It's true. I couldn't even remember my password for a minute or so. It not that I've left this community altogether, I still think of it often, and the relationships I've discovered through it... It's more that my time has shifted into a higher gear lately. I cannot believe how fast everything seems to be flying by. When my kids were little, time was molasses. Everyday clicked off one tick tick tick at a time. Sometimes it was fun and rewarding, but mostly I was terribly bored and lonely and really really tired. It's not that I didn't love my babies, or the time I was able to spend with them (cleaning up pooh, wiping boogers, playing in the leaves, rocking them to sleep, watching PBS, taking long walks where no twig in our path was left undiscovered). It was a sweet time of life and I think back on it with great nostaglia. Now my kids are all in school, my time has entered into a much much quicker pace. Homework, piano, scouting, soccer, endless volunteering, the PTA... I decided that once all my kids were in school, that would be the time to reopen the business idea (with all that extra time I'll have when they are in school). HA! I haven't touched accounts receivable in a month, it's all in a stack waiting for me. It's now on my afternoon agenda. Because I've just spent all morning helping out in the 5th grade class. They have huge class sizes in Utah and I feel it is a priviledge, a duty and an honor to help decrease the ratio of kids to adults. Okay....hang on...let me climb down from my high horse. Not to say this isn't true... but my primary motivation is to be involved enough that I know what's goin' on. That I know when to fill in the cracks of my kids education, and to also compare the stories that get carried home with what I am perceiving first hand. I'm not easy to please, but I'm pleased this year. There will never be the "perfect" match, but there is a strong community feel and people who seem passionate about these kids. That's enough for now to keep me happy.
I know this isn't really a post. Just a quick update. I'm slowly figuring out how to shift the burdensome minutia of the little clinic onto others...my partner, a bookkeeper, an answering service, etc. I'm gradually letting go of micro-management. I miss my free time. I miss connecting with friends and blogging. And..ski season is starting soon. For my big 40th birthday that is coming up way too fast, I'm hoping to get myself a fancy new snowboard and carve out time to actually use it. My current board is over 12 years old and it has seen it's better days.
I hear rumors of another Exmo Expo coming up. I hope I'm not an Ex Exmo Expo Member. If there is a minimum number of posts required before an invitation to attend is issued, let me know and I'll get crackin'.
I know this isn't really a post. Just a quick update. I'm slowly figuring out how to shift the burdensome minutia of the little clinic onto others...my partner, a bookkeeper, an answering service, etc. I'm gradually letting go of micro-management. I miss my free time. I miss connecting with friends and blogging. And..ski season is starting soon. For my big 40th birthday that is coming up way too fast, I'm hoping to get myself a fancy new snowboard and carve out time to actually use it. My current board is over 12 years old and it has seen it's better days.
I hear rumors of another Exmo Expo coming up. I hope I'm not an Ex Exmo Expo Member. If there is a minimum number of posts required before an invitation to attend is issued, let me know and I'll get crackin'.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Lord Mortar and the killer thunder strike
I heard an interesting metaphor the other day. A doctor had a patient come into his office who was convinced that he was dead. The doctor asked him to describe a dead person, how he looks, behaves,etc. The doctor asked.."Can a dead person bleed?" ...the patient said, "no, a dead person does not bleed". So the doctor pulled out a needle and pricked the patient's finger. Since the patient was not in fact dead, he started to bleed. The patient stared at the blood and said. "oh...I guess dead people DO bleed." The implications behind this metaphor go beyond the need for further explaination. Politely transparent walls and closed doors which are shut off to all influence allow us to nuture our prejudicies and neglect our sense of reason.
I took the kids to their first day of school today. I felt like crying. We had fun together this summer. On the other hand, the last couple weeks I've been counting down the days. Right now I'm watching my five year old (who starts kindergarten next week) and his best friend practice their Power Ranger moves. It's incredibly endearing. I wish I could describe it in a way that would do it justice. Right now they are using"power blows" and "mystic kicks" to fight the evil Lord Mortar. Ooooh...just finished him off with a "thunder strike"...except one of them just kicked the shelf by mistake with his bare foot and I'm not sure who is the worse off.
I'm trying to wake up from my funk this morning. I had another one of those gut wrenching emotive kind of dreams. In fact I woke up sobbing. My oldest was being shot and bludgeoned to death by an army of Chinese soldiers. Only it wasn't really my Josh, it was Josh's clone but I loved him like he was the real Josh and I was in a panicked helpless state. When I woke up, I decided the dream was about killing the false self. But it drained me. I wish I understood it. I wish I could go back and rewind it and analyze it frame by frame but the memory of it is hazy and mostly what I am left with is the feeling. Which right now feels empty. Not a bad kind of empty but an empty like I've just been "purged" kind of empty. Like my thinking brain has shut off and my emotive brain has taken over. Except that part of me is so powerful that I have just numbed everything up so I am left comfortably empty and dumb. No one is manning the ship right now, except for perhaps the automatic pilot. I hope she remembers to pick the kids up from school and give the dog his medicine (he has developed a nasty case of oral warts...gross).
I have to admit I have some theatrical leanings. But the dream was powerful. It will be fun to ruminate on it when I have more energy!
Now that Lord Mortar has been vanquished from the dark corners of my house (and my brain), maybe I can breathe easier now.
I took the kids to their first day of school today. I felt like crying. We had fun together this summer. On the other hand, the last couple weeks I've been counting down the days. Right now I'm watching my five year old (who starts kindergarten next week) and his best friend practice their Power Ranger moves. It's incredibly endearing. I wish I could describe it in a way that would do it justice. Right now they are using"power blows" and "mystic kicks" to fight the evil Lord Mortar. Ooooh...just finished him off with a "thunder strike"...except one of them just kicked the shelf by mistake with his bare foot and I'm not sure who is the worse off.
I'm trying to wake up from my funk this morning. I had another one of those gut wrenching emotive kind of dreams. In fact I woke up sobbing. My oldest was being shot and bludgeoned to death by an army of Chinese soldiers. Only it wasn't really my Josh, it was Josh's clone but I loved him like he was the real Josh and I was in a panicked helpless state. When I woke up, I decided the dream was about killing the false self. But it drained me. I wish I understood it. I wish I could go back and rewind it and analyze it frame by frame but the memory of it is hazy and mostly what I am left with is the feeling. Which right now feels empty. Not a bad kind of empty but an empty like I've just been "purged" kind of empty. Like my thinking brain has shut off and my emotive brain has taken over. Except that part of me is so powerful that I have just numbed everything up so I am left comfortably empty and dumb. No one is manning the ship right now, except for perhaps the automatic pilot. I hope she remembers to pick the kids up from school and give the dog his medicine (he has developed a nasty case of oral warts...gross).
I have to admit I have some theatrical leanings. But the dream was powerful. It will be fun to ruminate on it when I have more energy!
Now that Lord Mortar has been vanquished from the dark corners of my house (and my brain), maybe I can breathe easier now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
